happy new year!

Yep - happy new year - liturgically speaking, that is. Today is the first Sunday of Advent, and therefore a new liturgical year begins. I love Advent! It is my favorite liturgical season. I love the incarnational emphasis; my favorite hymn is O Come, O Come, Emmanuel; I love blue; I love the anticipation; and I hate the waiting. Not just waiting for Christmas (although at 40 years old, I don't mind that so much), but the waiting for the return of Christ. Partly because I'm not sure what that's going to look like and I'm partly afraid that I'll miss it. I'm a bit worried that Jesus will return, not in a cloud of glory, but as a helpless baby again, and I'll not notice. I'll be so wrapped up in my own stuff, my own expectations that I'll miss it.

I know I miss it every day - every day I miss glimpses of the kingdom of God breaking into the world. I don't help as many others as I could/should, I don't accept help many times when it's offered, and I miss it. Or, I'm so caught up in my own stuff, that I don't notice when those things do happen, and I miss it. The final words of the gospel today are "Keep Awake!"...and I suspect I'm sleeping or clueless much of the time. So I continue to pray for eyes to see, hears to hear and a heart to respond.

not so much...

so, the sentencing didn't happen. Apparently over 20 people spoke to the perpetrator's character and that he had been punished "enough" with the things that had already happened to him. That took up the allotted two hours, so they convene again next Thursday afternoon and continue on. 

over 20 people - I'm not sure what to do with that. Did they all know what he admitted to on the stand? Did they all know that he admitted the 'relationship' to the bishop 15 months ago, and in fact he brought up the victim's name on his own? Did they know that some of the things he testified that he and the victim did were also felonies? Did they know? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't, but I think very few of those people knew him then and now. I know one family from the church is at odds because one of the kids was there today, and the other kid and the parents objected. But he did it anyway. So many people have been hurt...so many families have been affected. I don't know what to say.

Yes, I believe in grace and reconciliation and forgiveness - but I also believe that needs to be preceded by repentance and remorse, and I have seen none of that from the perpetrator. What is "enough"? I don't know. But a young woman's life was changed forever - not just her relationship with others, with men affected, but also her relationship with God was forever changed and manipulated by this man. I don't know what to say. And so I pray and I wait. 

tuesday

Tomorrow is the sentencing. I'm conflicted. I want justice to be served...but I also wonder if it hasn't been already. He'll never be a pastor in a main-line denomination. He'll be a registered sex offender. Will justice, will society, be served if he serves prison time? I don't know. He used to be a friend...a good friend (or so I thought)...and so I don't want him to be in prison. But should he serve prison time? I just don't know. I am glad that I don't have to decide. A few weeks ago, the victim asked me what I thought should happen - we had an honest discussion...but neither of us knew what the "right" thing would be.

So, today (and tomorrow) I pray as I have been for months - for justice, and for mercy. For peace and healing to infuse the victim, the perpetrator and all affected. And tomorrow - special prayers for the perpetrator, his wife and their families. No matter what, their lives will never be the same.

revgals friday five

1) Do you have a food processor? Can you recommend it? Which is to say, do you actually use it?
I have no food processor, and (perhaps strangely) don't really crave one

2) And if so, do you use the fancy things on it?
no processor to put fancy things on

3) Do you use a standing mixer? Or one of the hand-held varieties?
I DO have a standing mixer - but it's having an electrical issue at the moment, so I'm using the hand-held until I get the Kitchen Aid into the shop.

4) How about a blender? Do you have one? Use it much?
Have one - it mostly lives in the cupboard though.

5) Finally, what old-fashioned, non-electric kitchen tool do you enjoy using the most?
I have a jar opener that I use at least once a week. It's got a sliding grip on it so it can adjust from very small to very wide mouth jars. LOVE IT!

Bonus: Is there a kitchen appliance or utensil you ONLY use at Thanksgiving or some other holiday? If so, what is it?
Yes, several, and they all revolve around baking - the ricer and other lefse making things, spritz cookie press and sandbakkels tins.

the plant that wouldn't die

This is the plant my brother had delivered for my first day of work at LSLC. I'm generally horrible when it comes to keeping plants alive - my black (rather than green) thumb runs all the way up to my elbow - I once managed to kill a bamboo plant, for pete's sake!

this thing won't die. I dump water in it a couple times a week, rotate it so it gets sun on different parts of it, and leave it alone other than that. It does wilt quite dramatically when it needs water, but a few hours after a good soaking it perks back up to it's original shape. I've had this thing for 8-1/2 months now - and it's not only still alive...but still blooming. It's also a wonderful connection to my older brother, and right now that's a nice thing!

Thank you to all who left encouraging comments on my last post. I appreciate each comment more than I can adequately express. As far as the brother - he talked to my cell phone voice mail yesterday...he's in Kuwait for 10 days of training before heading on to Iraq. Other than being exhausted from travel and a messed up sleep cycle he sounded well. Hopefully next time he calls, I'll be able to take the call.

As far as the case in Kansas - sentencing is next Tuesday. For those of you who are prone to do so, I'm asking for prayers for the perpetrator, his wife and their families. I can't imagine the stress they are all experiencing and I pray that God's peace is with them in this time. And peace to all of you this night as well.

i'm back

So, I haven't been here for a long while. There has been a lot going on, and I haven't always been sure how, or what, to share. I have now been at LSLC for 8-1/2 months. It mostly has been challenging - the system is a bit on the dysfunctional side and I'm still not certain that congregational ministry is my gig.

In addition, in October I was back in Kansas for a trial. A year ago, a young woman disclosed to me a sexual "relationship" with the youth director of the church I volunteered with in Kansas - the physical relationship began when she was 14 and he, 26. She disclosed to me, because he was soon to be ordained and she knew that I was required to report the offense. She also reported it to the police and the process culminated in his criminal trial in October. I flew back to be with the victim and support her, but ended up being subpoenaed to testify for the prosecution. As the perpetrator was a friend at one point in my life, it was a difficult thing to do. It was also incredibly hard to be there and to hear the other testimony. He was found guilty of a felony offense, and we wait for the sentencing, which is next week. My heart aches for the victim and her family as they continue to deal with this - but also for the perpetrator and his family. He is facing the possibility of prison time which must be devastating on him and his wife. I pray for them frequently, but I also am relatively certain that they wouldn't welcome my prayers and see me as part of their "downfall." The church is a small world, and many people know part of the story, and in several versions I don't come out looking so well. I know that it isn't about me and how I look to others, but it bothers me to know that some people think that I did the wrong thing...and that some of those people are pastors and leaders in the church.

Also, my brother is deploying to Iraq. As I write this, he is in the airport in Shannon, Ireland waiting to go to Kuwait for 10 days before reaching the final destination of Tallil in Iraq. He is part of a supply unit, and will not even be in convoys, but he'll be there nearly a year, and I will worry about him every day. I'm not sure how military families do this repeatedly and over years!

So, I'm back to the blog. I'm not sure if anyone is still checking in, but if you are let me know.

i'm back, and gone

so, after LSLC extended me the call, I was able to accept in person at a church special event program. It was wonderful, and overwhelming and more than a little bit scary the amount of trust and affection these people have given to me simply based on my position - I say that because I haven't me most of them yet, as there are hundreds of members in this congregation. 

I have now moved - I'm still in N California, but no longer in the Bay Area. I am excited to discover this new part of CA, but sad to leave the Bay Area. I'm also sad to leave the seminary, as over the past 5-1/2 years PLTS had become an important part of my life. I worked in most of the departments during my time there and learned a lot. I hope I left the place a little better for my time there. I do no, if nothing else, reception looks, well, actually inviting these days, so I'm proud of that contribution!

Part of this moving thing is buying furniture. I bought a mattress set yesterday and also did a little bit of couch shopping. La-Z-Boy is having a huge sale, and while there is part of me that thinks I should go to Goodwill, there is another part of me, saying "buy the new couch dummy. You've never owned one, and you'll likely be entertaining people in your home, it's time to not look like a grad student anymore." I am leaning toward listening to the the latter. I'll post a picture of what I end up with. 

Today I'm going to a different church in my new area. The husband of a good friend (he's a friend as well, but I know her much better) is being installed today. So, I'm off to worship there this morning, then help her with a reception, then back for the installation. It's going to be a churchy-social day. 

Tuesday I fly to ND for a few days to get my there together to move. I've had stuff in storage at my dad's place for over 6 years - it's going to be a bit like Christmas...I'll even get the cold and the snow! I'm back in CA on the 17th, hopefully unpacking my "pod" on the 19th and then back to the Bay Area on the 20th for the weekend of my ordination. It's going to be a busy few weeks, but fun, fun, fun!

the decision

So, this afternoon LSLC voted to call me as their next associate pastor! I have spoken with the call committee chair and the senior pastor and am now waiting to get the official Letter of Call. Apparently, I need to write a Letter of Acceptance - anyone know what needs to be in that?

I am very excited about doing ministry in this place and working with the staff. My time so far with the congregation has been a blast, and I know that it won't all be sunshine and roses, but I've got a good feeling, and most importantly, a strong belief that God is calling me to this place. Also, I've got a good lead on a place to live - hopefully that will work out, and I can start the moving process and working on getting my stuff there from ND and Oakland and Berkeley.

Thanks to all for your prayers, support, encouragement and humor. I can't believe that I'm going to be a pastor!

waiting...the homestretch (I hope)

after all of the months of waiting - we're closing in on 11 - I'm close to receiving a call. Maybe as close as 90 minutes away. Today is the special congregational meeting at LSLC and I'm the topic. As I write this, they are minutes away from beginning the 2nd service of the morning and the meeting is after. Ugh. This has been the loooonnnngggest morning ever! I was up very early - mostly because I am sick and went to bed super early - but still - I've straightened up my room, got my tax stuff together, hung up all of the loose clothes, figured out how to forward my cell phone calls to my land-line, made and ate a hot breakfast and watched two episodes of an NBC show on-line. And I still am waiting. It's been the theme of my life for the past year, and I'm wondering how I'll deal with actually having an answer. To be honest, I don't think this thing is going to derail at this point, but nothing is certain, and so I wait.

So...here I am again. Who knew I was gone so long? I hate, hate, hate New Year's Resolution time - I don't make them, when I have tried, I don't keep to them...I hate it, so I simply avoided blogging this year around that time because I felt some existential pressure to announce my resolutions, or at least have deep things to say about the past and/or the future. I have none - resolutions, deep thoughts, any of that.

I do continue the waiting game. LSLC votes on my call at their annual meeting Jan 27th. I am there this weekend doing the "meet and greet" thing, as well as preaching. I'm not terribly nervous about it - it will be what it is, and I trust that God is at work in spite of me, sometimes through me, if I've done a decent job.

There's not much else to report - so here's the RevGalBlogPals Friday Five:

1. When is your birthday? Does anyone else (famous and/or in your own life) share it?

February 6...Ash Wednesday this year, sigh. Famous people - Babe Ruth, Ronald Reagan, Tom Brokaw; and a quick check of Wikipedia reveals also Natalie Cole and Axl Rose (as well as a bunch of people I have never hear of)

2. Do you prefer a big party or an intimate celebration for the chosen few?

Lately, I've put the word out, gone to the neighborhood pub and wait to see who shows up. My social circle continues to shrink, so the "chosen few" may be the whole of my local friend group this year.

3. Describe your most memorable birthday(s)--good, bad, or both.

I guess it was 30. I decided that I wasn't going to quietly turn 30, so I started putting together my own party until a friend took over and put together a huge bash at a local restaurant with lots of people and good food.

4. What is your favorite cake and ice cream? (Bonus points if you share the cake recipe). Or would you rather have a different treat altogether?

This is so boring...white cake, sweet frosting and vanilla ice-cream. Yes, it's true...but Oh so good.

5. Surprise parties: love 'em or hate 'em?

The only one I have ever had was a hoot, so I'll give it the thumbs up. I've given them as well with mixed results.

Bonus: Describe your ideal birthday--the sky's the limit.
I'd love to rent a house near a beach, and have friend coming from far and wide for a couple of days of good food, good drinks, good times.

look what we found!

yesterday was my first visit to the church that is in the process of deciding whether to extend me a call...let's call it "Liturgical Season Lutheran Church" (LSLC). I went to the second of two services, (it is a 90 minute drive, so the 8:00 service held little appeal), it wasn't a typical Sunday - it was more of a choir chorale service - so I don't have a sense of their worship style, but I had a lovely time. At the beginning of the service the call committee chair introduced me, and it certainly had the feel of "look what we found!". The people were very welcoming and friendly and I had a lovely time with the senior pastor and his wife after the service.

I continue to think that this is going to be a good match, and am just trying to enjoy the journey. In the meantime I'm working at the sem, in the office of seminary advancement, so things are busy with year-end gifts coming in and getting ready for the round of synod assemblies that will begin all too soon. As we were talking in the staff meeting today, though, it was fun to realize that I'm going to miss much of what we're talking about, because I'll be on to the next thing in my life.

silent, but not still

My somewhat long-ish silence does not indicate that things have been at a standstill in my life. In fact, just the opposite is true. I think a large reason that I haven't written about it is because there is quite good news to report and I didn't want to jump the gun on the reporting and "jinx" it. Silly? maybe - but also quite a real feeling.

The good news is that a congregation in Northern California is soon going to be voting on me to be their associate pastor. The call committee unanimously recommended me, the council did not find anything to object to, and the congregational meeting is set for the end of January. Yes...still a ways off, but I know that the time will move quickly and there are people to meet, negotiations to be had, apartment shopping to be done...although I'm not going to sign a lease until I have a job...but the six weeks will pass probably more rapidly than I want them to, what with all that I have hanging in my academic life as well. That pesky thesis will not finish writing itself after all!

I am excited about this call - I think it's going to be a good match, and the church is up to a lot of exciting things and continue to ask how they can be engaged in the community and world. I am thrilled to be working in a staff situation, as my extrovert side continues to develop and grow.

Now that this process is "past" the church council, I feel quite positive and able to talk about it, so hopefully there will be updates to share more often...not to mention thesis progress to report. I go to the church to worship tomorrow and to spend time with the senior pastor in the afternoon.

The RevGalPals Friday Five:

1. Did you go elsewhere for the day, or did you have visitors at your place instead? How was it?

I was the lucky guest at the home of good friends.

2. Main course: If it was the turkey, the whole turkey, and nothing but the turkey, was it prepared in an unusual way? Or did you throw tradition to the winds and do something different?

They decided on a Spanish menu, so we had Sangria, Tapas and were supposed to have Paella, but due to over-feeding on the Tapas and how late the night got, they sent me home with a portion and that's on tap for lunch today.

3. Other than the meal, do you have any Thanksgiving customs that you observe every year?

I am a loyal Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade watcher.

4. The day after Thanksgiving is considered a major Christmas shopping day by most US retailers. Do you go out bargain hunting and shop ‘till you drop, or do you stay indoors with the blinds closed? Or something in between?

I guess this is in-between...I generally dislike shopping, so I don't go near a store, but will check out the websites of favorite retailers and take advantage of any on-line sales.

5. Let the HOLIDAY SEASON commence! When will your Christmas decorations go up?

My Christmas decorations are packed away in the storage pod, so I'm unlikely to put up any this year. I do need to find the makings for an Advent wreath this week, however.

giving thanks

In the midst of all of this waiting, I have tried to continue to remind myself of the things that I have to be thankful for, and since today is the day, a partial list:

• family and friends who have been supportive, patient, encouraging and sympathetic; 
• a place to live; 
• work to pay for that place - and work that I enjoy, for the most part - work that is enjoyable, challenging and that provides space for me to learn things that will be helpful for my future life; 
• knowing that I have places to go if this situation no longer is do-able.

It has been a long haul, and only promises to continue. The CA congregation won't likely make a decision until January, the other congregation won't even vote on the new budget (with my salary) until early February. So, I continue to wait, and repeat the mantra "we'll see what happens." 

I hope Thanksgiving is a time of friends, family and fabulous food for all! I'm having a non-traditional meal of Spanish food, but with wonderful, fun, and generous friends, so what could be better?!

confusion and chaos

The long silence in blogging isn't indicative of much, other than the fact that I haven't been sure how to talk about some of what's been happening. So, I'll do a kind of bulleted update:

• On the call front: I supplied at an area congregation and the call committee from the church I'm in process with made the trek to attend the service. I've supplied at this small church before, so they know me and it is a mutually-affectionate relationship. That definitely helped, as it didn't feel like an audition at all, even though the call committee was there. They interview one other candidate, and I'm waiting to hear from the call committee chair about time table for the rest of this process.
• On the further call front: I had a phone call from a pastor that I have known for a couple of years. The congregation he serves is growing, albeit slowly, but they are at the point where they need to staff for growth, so they are adding an associate pastor to their staff - beginning probably in the late winter, early spring. We are going to talk tomorrow in more detail, but I'm the only name they are considering right now, so I need to be in serious discernment about this congregation, the location and the ministry...it is my call or not?
• On the academic front: I'm working again on my thesis. Slowly, but surely, I'm making progress - yay me! Maybe I can actually get this thing done by the next deadline! I'm continuing to do the TA gig for two classes, and I enjoy that. I never would have guessed that I'd be here all semester, but I'll be seeing these classes through to the end. I'm very thankful that I'm doing work that I enjoy, so I'm trying to not complain too much!
  
• On the life front: I continue to be thankful for friends close and far - the encouragement, the compassion during the whining, and the laughter have all been appreciated.
  

So...that's the brief update on things. Maybe now that these things are "out there" I won't be so reticent to give updates...the second call process came out of the blue and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it and figure out what I think about it all. Updates will be made...I promise.

the interview

well, I think it went well. As a friend said, "if you showed them the best you, then that's all you can do." I think I did that...show off the best me, that is. The call committee is a group of people that seem to enjoy each other and all love their church, so it was a good time. It was pretty low pressure, which was nice, and I ended the day by spending close to an hour with the senior pastor.

Oh, I could so see myself there. The things they are looking for in this pastor are where my skills and gifts are; the part of CA the city is in is just beautiful with lakes and a river and a new city to explore all right there; I got along well with the senior pastor (although he had Joel Osteen's new book on his shelf...I should have asked, but didn't). Here I repeat my mantra..."we'll see." I supply in a Bay Area congregation in three weeks, so some of the call committee may roadtrip to see me in action, so no pressure there :-) but it is much better than a tape or a video, that's for sure!

But, the downside is that they are considering another candidate and the interview with that person doesn't happen until after Thanksgiving. Sigh. So...more waiting. I've been invited to the regional mobility conference...I may do that. I should check flight prices and see if it is a possibility - it seems like a prudent thing to do, to increase my exposure and my opportunities, and it will help me feel like I'm doing something, which at this point is a good thing!...and a rare thing.

the end may be nigh

Jesus may be returning soon...Kansas football is on top of the Big 12 North and they are the only undefeated Big 12 team at 7-0. I remember fondly the 7-0 start of the 1995 season and the energy and enthusiasm that surrounded the program (it almost made up for all of the crud we had to put up with). There are times when I miss athletic training and there is really nothing like being part of a program that is winning. Then, I remember the politics of athletics departments, the insane hours, the rather lowish pay, the years when the program isn't winning and everyone has to bear the brunt of the blame game. Yes, I miss it when things go well - but when I see a football coach go after a support staff person, I remember why I was happy to get away from it. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get back to it. I have worked my butt off to keep my certification current with continuing education classes and home programs and journal quizzes and CPR courses, but will it be needed I keep wondering. I worked so hard to get the stupid thing in the first place I find that I'm unwilling to let it go.

Well, I'll enjoy the run from afar and remember the joy of '95, before the wheels fell off the train, and then I'll remember the challenge and pain of '96. I was blessed to work with great people and wonderful student athletic trainers and student athletes. They made it worthwhile, even when it seemed like hell on earth.

One of the blogs I regularly check in at is RevGalBlogPals - the link is on the left if you want to check it out yourself. One of the things they do is a "Friday Five" and I'm giving today's version my first shot at it...so here goes.


If you were a food, what would you be?
Mac and Cheese (homemade)...comforting, dependable, and you know - cheesey.

What is one of the most memorable meals you ever had? And where?
Memorable meals for me actually have to do more with the people, than with the food, I guess, as all the meals that came to mind centered on who I ate with and then went to the food. Whether holiday meals with family, or those times friends gathered in my 400sq foot apartment, the people make the meals memorable.

What is your favorite comfort food from childhood?
Ham and noodle casserole...one of those Cream of Mushroom soup based casseroles...served with orange jello. (I grew up in ND, remember!)

When going to a church potluck, what one recipe from your kitchen is sure to be a hit?
Cheesey potatoes.

What’s the strangest thing you ever willingly ate?
Raw Oysters...not so strange when I consider the realm of strange foods, but I'm a rather conservative eater when it comes to things like this. Also, the texture of oysters creeps me out, so I've only had them once.

Bonus question: What’s your favorite drink to order when looking forward to a great meal?
A nice glass of red wine.

not quite so cranky

As previously mentioned, the bishop of my assignment synod was in town yesterday. I have been pretty angry about the apparent lack of concern expressed by the synod staff about how I am paying my bills, rent and insurance. When we spoke, his first question was, "How are you getting by?" Now, I know I was angry, and I know that I was hurt, but until he asked that question I didn't fully realize how much I needed to hear someone, "in power" ask me that question. So, we talked - I talked rather frankly with him, and with a churchwide staff person that I know, about how lately I feel like I'm in the back row a huge auditorium, standing up and waving at the mobility people on the stage, yelling "hello, here I am, hello!" I very much appreciate my relationship with this bishop - I have always been able to be honest with him and he has never made me feel like a whiner or like I'm expecting too much from him, or imposing too much on his time...when I am able to find him, that is. There are no "perfect" open calls in that synod right now, but we talked about what might be available in the not too distant future. I felt good about the conversation and will see him soon when he is back in town for another meeting.

I heard from the call committee chair of the relatively local congregation a few days ago. I am going to go "over" there on the 27th to meet with the call committee, have lunch and get shown around the area. As previously reported, I've done some preliminary scouting of the area and it's a nice part of Northern California. I'm now checking out the congregation via their references from their paperwork and people that I know in the church's conference. It still seems like a good match and I'm cautiously optimistic. Prayers for discernment are much appreciated.

big weekend

It's an important weekend - in a weird way, I guess. For me, my name goes to a call committee today. Two other candidates are also being presented to the congregation. My skills and passions match well with what this congregation says (in their paperwork) they are looking for in an associate pastor; I would love, love, love to stay in this part of CA; but yet I'm strangely flat, emotionally speaking, about this. I hope it is because I am tired of the huge emotional ups and downs and not because I've stopped caring about all of this. I do hope that the call committee wants to begin a conversation with me - I think this is an interesting community that is asking good questions about their place in the community, and I am interested to see how I might fit in with what they are up to in their community and in the world.

It's a straight up important weekend for someone else. I have a good friend who is "on stage" this weekend at a congregation in her synod. She has interviewed and is now going to preach and show off her charming self to the congregation on a Sunday morning. Go SHM! I think, considering the location, that you should preach in your "big snake" voice.

On Wednesday, the annual bishop's visit happens at the seminary. The bishop from the synod I was assigned to will be here. I haven't heard a word from him in close to 3 months...and only once from the guy working mobility. Not once have I received contact asking if I have a job or a place to live or how I am dealing with the long wait. Maybe it is too much to ask...but I would hope not. Other friends in this situation have similar experiences - a lot of talk about being patient and what the synod needs/wants, but little effort is made to help those of us in limbo, or even to check in with us. It's very frustrating and disappointing and is what is really making me angry at this point. As a friend recently reminded me when I commented on how busy bishops and their assistants are, "but you're one of the things they are supposed to be busy with!"