weary

I had dinner with a friend tonight. When we sat at the table, she looked at me and said, "You look weary." I am...i am weary of waiting...i am weary of trying to figure out how to pay for rent and insurance and student loans...i am weary of feeling like i'm standing still...i am weary of having others pass me by on the road to employment...i am weary of not being able to focus...i am weary of juggling six jobs...i am weary of having to pretend that i appreciate the pep talks i get from people...i am weary of having to do all this on my own...i AM weary.

Today is a bad day, as you can tell. The cool temp/transition job I thought was going to work at the seminary likely isn't, so now I am piecing together other options, which is nerve-wracking and tiring and it never feels like enough. I made a comment to some dorm residents the other day that i can't wait to have one job...to which i got the lecture that being a pastor is more than one job. Clearly, not what I meant. As reticent as I was (and sometimes still am) about the parish pastor gig, I am ready to do it. Let's get on with this, already. As I wait for my phone to ring I'm frustrated and cranky and tired and, well...weary.