little happening....why am I so busy?

It's actually rather astounding that I feel so busy, since not much seems to be happening.

I flew to SoCal to talk to the pastor/congregation president about a week and a half ago. It was hard to really know what to think. They don't have a job description. They don't know if they want it to be a term call or an interim. No one else in the congregation knows they were talking to anyone. I think that several things give me pause with this job - 1) the uncertainty of what they even want makes it hard to evaluate; 2) moving from one temporary situation to another makes me uneasy (and this was something the sr. pastor kept wanting me to get past); 3) the sr. pastor is the primary preacher (by his job description as well as his preference), so negotiating for pulpit time would be a problem; 4) the higher worship style of the congregation is getting pared back by the sr. pastor because his preference is for a more informal style; 5) (and this is the thing that concerns me most) almost every - if not every - question that I asked the senior pastor, he turned around to ask me before he would answer it: "How do you see yourself working with an associate?" I asked..."Let me turn that around," he said. "How do you see yourself working with a senior?" Red flags started popping in my brain every time he did that. It just doesn't seem like where I am being called.

I have been in conversation with the mobility person for this area. There is a possibility - we'll see. The other "contingency" synod that I'm talking to has been harder to get a hold of. I've emailed and called the bishop several times over the past week and today I got an email from a secretary that said "we've got your paperwork, if anything looks like a match someone will contact you." A not-so-subtle "leave us alone, already" or a form email? I'm not sure.

My boss today told me that she needs to cut back my hours by at least 1/3 and maybe more. I'm not sure if I can hang here at that pay rate. I'll have to crunch the numbers on my budget and see how long I can manage it at that income level. I'm actually kind of pissed, considering how much stuff I'm being asked to do for the office, and now I'm getting rolled back. I understand the need to stay in budget...but then quit giving me more assignments! I'm actually feeling a little sick to my stomach right now because I'm not sure what this means for me, and so much is up in the air, this is just one more thing.

My thesis is a black hole at the moment. People have been encouraging, but I tend to hear it critically, and when I have to say, "I haven't gotten anything done," it is simply one more thing I'm failing at. I can't get a call, I can't get my thesis done, I can't ...., I can't....and then I feel whiny for feeling like that. I do wish things were different, and I can do something about the writing, but the words just haven't come when I've tried recently. Ugh.

On the bright side, some friends are back at PLTS for Founder's Day, so it's good to see them and catch up with their lives.