it's like a roller coaster

my life is like a roller coaster right now, that is. You may or may not know this fact about me...I hate roller coasters.

So, Monday I was rejected by the congregation in the NW - today I got paperwork and for a congregation in CA for an associate position. The position has emphasis in youth and young adults (yay!)...and they have a youth director (double yay!) which means that I won't have be act as the youth director and pastor. The congregation gets a slate of names on October 13th, and I'll be one of those people they consider. Prayers for discernment and wisdom and patience would all be good.

so much for that

So, the possibility of an opportunity is no longer a possibility. I'm in my usual first-day-of-rejection mode (it's sad that I know the rhythm this will follow...) I'm sad, discouraged, annoyed, frustrated, and this time I'm looking at job possibilities in the world of athletic training.

I'm back to zero options (well, this remains a semi-option as I may be in the next batch of candidates if these interviews don't pan out) and I'm tired of it. The seminary president said today, "it's like there's a hex on your class." So, if anyone knows and exorcist, BP and I will probably pitch in to undergo his/her ministrations. I beg you - please no pep talks or encouraging platitudes. It just stinks and nothing will change that..so I'll grieve the dream of what could have been, wallow a bit and I'll move on soon enough.

On another note:

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

the possibility of an opportunity

or so a friend of mine has billed my current situation. I'm a member of a pool of candidates ("a ton" apparently) for a call as an associate in the NW. Over the next week they are culling the group down to 2-3 final candidates. I'm cautiously hopeful - and now know what it means to feel like someplace could be "my call." There's some great ministry happening in this place and I can see myself there - my stregths and gifts could be really be put to use here. I'm calling the senior pastor next thursday (if he hasn't called me yet) to find out if I am one of the final pool. I want to be - I really do, but I'm afraid to want it too badly.

little happening....why am I so busy?

It's actually rather astounding that I feel so busy, since not much seems to be happening.

I flew to SoCal to talk to the pastor/congregation president about a week and a half ago. It was hard to really know what to think. They don't have a job description. They don't know if they want it to be a term call or an interim. No one else in the congregation knows they were talking to anyone. I think that several things give me pause with this job - 1) the uncertainty of what they even want makes it hard to evaluate; 2) moving from one temporary situation to another makes me uneasy (and this was something the sr. pastor kept wanting me to get past); 3) the sr. pastor is the primary preacher (by his job description as well as his preference), so negotiating for pulpit time would be a problem; 4) the higher worship style of the congregation is getting pared back by the sr. pastor because his preference is for a more informal style; 5) (and this is the thing that concerns me most) almost every - if not every - question that I asked the senior pastor, he turned around to ask me before he would answer it: "How do you see yourself working with an associate?" I asked..."Let me turn that around," he said. "How do you see yourself working with a senior?" Red flags started popping in my brain every time he did that. It just doesn't seem like where I am being called.

I have been in conversation with the mobility person for this area. There is a possibility - we'll see. The other "contingency" synod that I'm talking to has been harder to get a hold of. I've emailed and called the bishop several times over the past week and today I got an email from a secretary that said "we've got your paperwork, if anything looks like a match someone will contact you." A not-so-subtle "leave us alone, already" or a form email? I'm not sure.

My boss today told me that she needs to cut back my hours by at least 1/3 and maybe more. I'm not sure if I can hang here at that pay rate. I'll have to crunch the numbers on my budget and see how long I can manage it at that income level. I'm actually kind of pissed, considering how much stuff I'm being asked to do for the office, and now I'm getting rolled back. I understand the need to stay in budget...but then quit giving me more assignments! I'm actually feeling a little sick to my stomach right now because I'm not sure what this means for me, and so much is up in the air, this is just one more thing.

My thesis is a black hole at the moment. People have been encouraging, but I tend to hear it critically, and when I have to say, "I haven't gotten anything done," it is simply one more thing I'm failing at. I can't get a call, I can't get my thesis done, I can't ...., I can't....and then I feel whiny for feeling like that. I do wish things were different, and I can do something about the writing, but the words just haven't come when I've tried recently. Ugh.

On the bright side, some friends are back at PLTS for Founder's Day, so it's good to see them and catch up with their lives.